We're All Crazy On the Inside

It took a while, but I finally was able to get a call through to Kal. I'm not sure why, but recently I seem to have been having trouble getting calls from people lately. Anyhow, we agreed on a place to meet. I left the girl with Ronnie and had my dagger hanging off my belt, hidden by my jacket. As I drove to the rendevouz (a Burger King not too far from campus), I noticed the streets become foggy – though it wasn’t enough to hinder my vision to register much beyond simply being a little odd. When I finally got to the meeting place, there was no one there but me. At first I thought Kal had simply decided not show. Had decided that there was no way he could spin his situation in a way that would convince he to help him. But then I saw him in the distance. It was hard to make out with the fog and the setting sun, but there he was, coming my way. I felt a wash of relief until I noticed him stop. Then I realized how tall he looked. How quiet it was there. How impossibly dead everything was. I don’t remember grabbing it, but I know my knife made its way to my hand – I didn’t even try to hide the blade.

I shouted at him. Why was he playing this game? The two of us needed to talk – and then suddenly he was, instead of a hundred feet away, fifty. I got no response other than that. I took a step back only to be matched by him taking a step forward. Then I saw the tie. Bright and red, obnoxious and enthralling. Kal doesn’t wear ties. He doesn't even own a tie. There was no way this fairy tale could be true. It had to be Kal, a friend of his, something, fucking with me. I shouted again. The light fog cleared around it and I got a clear look at that... thing. It had no face, but I could feel a terrible wave of heaviness coming from its stare; something like anger. It began moving closer – but it wasn’t walking. I felt as though I were watching a low budget clay-mation: it moved in short jumps forward,its absent eyes tearing through me.

I took another step back and fell, the rush of fear that followed punctuated by a hard landing. After that, everything seemed to speed up. And the thing was moving normally now – or as normally as it can do anything being what it is. Consumed with horror as I was, every nerve stretched to breaking and every muscle screaming to move, I couldn’t take my eyes from it as it came ever closer. Being at a loss of anything else to do, I slipped into meditation. Deep breathing first – and I could close my eyes. With that thing out of sight, I could direct my thoughts toward working as good a simple cleansing as I could. At this point, I was glad I had the dagger in my hand as a focus for will. I aimed only to enclose the area immediately around me, but it was sufficient. After moments that lasted agonizing eons, I felt my body come back under my control. I sprang to my feet, turned and ran back to my car, refusing to look back. As I turned the ignition, the fog began to melt away in my peripheral. I risked a glance back at where I had been frozen and saw a wisp of that haunting red color roll away as if on a wind. The sound of the world came back to me then. Kal still wasn’t there. We need to meet now more than ever. I know that really happened but... Fucking hell Kal, what did just happen?

-Michenab

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Insomnia Vol. II

I've been told before that I get too wrapped up in books. Maybe it's true, or maybe the books I read are so true that they become infectious. Either way, I can't sleep again. I had been doing pretty well for a while, on a regular sleep schedule. But I finally was able to get back to reading House of Leaves. It's haunting - far more than that even. It digs into the soul and itches and irritates and undermines the psyche. And the stress of the episode with the cops and school and now renewed insomnia... I think I'm hearing and seeing things. Remember my story about the wobbling walls? Well try this out: small spots of black or grey resting in the far edge of my vision until I choose to look at them; the sound of footsteps on concrete when I am alone in a carpeted building; warped vision and hearing. I haven't lost any time - I'm not so sleep deprived as to pass out - yet. These things aren't constant. I don't know whether to be thankful for that or not. I think, sometimes, that if it were a constant barrage of insanity I might be able to deal with it, but the timing of these events are just irregular enough to keep me on constant edge, fraying my nerves over and over and over. I've decided I'm going to resume meditations and cleansings - practices I dropped long ago as no longer necessary - in the manner of Konstantinos (though my own take on them). They helped once before when I felt haunted by some shadow of my own or another's invention, haunted then not by endless hallways blanketed in eternal darkness, but by irrational paranoia. I fucking hope this works again. I need sleep, and not the sleep I manage to steal now and again currently, filled with dreams of dark basements and room after room after room, gray and silent with no escape, but calm and restful sleep. I think maybe I am portraying myself as something of a basket case here, but I assure you anyone in my present state would be given to some amount of rambling. I mean it about the meditations and cleansings though. If they don't work, I don't know what else to do after. And just so we're clear, this isn't some DIY mental health edition mumbo jumbo (although I imagine more than a few of you will call it mumbo jumbo regardless). I guess for a lack of better words, I'd name it dabbling in the occult. Don't worry now, I'm not sacrificing children or animals or anything else. It's far more than that. It's opening the mind in connection with the spirit - something which can have incredible results depending on what you're wanting to do. However, relying on spirituality has been a last resort it seems, in my life, and I've been content with that and satisfied with that. But I've noticed that problems tend to crop up more and more and in greater magnitudes when I drop the shield of faith. And don't misconstrue that word, faith, now. I mean only a belief in my ability to change and affect the world around me through applied thought and feeling. Perhaps it could be compared to art without form, but still holding all the impact of emotion and intent.

For those who are unaware of Konstatinos, look here: http://konstantinos.com/aboutkonstantinos.htm
Even if you don't agree with it all, I feel that, like any philosopher, he raises ideas and questions that anyone can benefit from considering.

Meanwhile back at the point (is there a point?)... Kal seems to have taken the news (or rather recent lack of it) about the girl rather hard. I think perhaps we are influencing each other in our own neuroses, encouraging an arms race in insanity. Fucking hell I'm tired. I'm going to lie down now. I hope I can keep my eyes closed long enough to miss the sunrise.

-Michenab

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