Insomnia Vol. II

I've been told before that I get too wrapped up in books. Maybe it's true, or maybe the books I read are so true that they become infectious. Either way, I can't sleep again. I had been doing pretty well for a while, on a regular sleep schedule. But I finally was able to get back to reading House of Leaves. It's haunting - far more than that even. It digs into the soul and itches and irritates and undermines the psyche. And the stress of the episode with the cops and school and now renewed insomnia... I think I'm hearing and seeing things. Remember my story about the wobbling walls? Well try this out: small spots of black or grey resting in the far edge of my vision until I choose to look at them; the sound of footsteps on concrete when I am alone in a carpeted building; warped vision and hearing. I haven't lost any time - I'm not so sleep deprived as to pass out - yet. These things aren't constant. I don't know whether to be thankful for that or not. I think, sometimes, that if it were a constant barrage of insanity I might be able to deal with it, but the timing of these events are just irregular enough to keep me on constant edge, fraying my nerves over and over and over. I've decided I'm going to resume meditations and cleansings - practices I dropped long ago as no longer necessary - in the manner of Konstantinos (though my own take on them). They helped once before when I felt haunted by some shadow of my own or another's invention, haunted then not by endless hallways blanketed in eternal darkness, but by irrational paranoia. I fucking hope this works again. I need sleep, and not the sleep I manage to steal now and again currently, filled with dreams of dark basements and room after room after room, gray and silent with no escape, but calm and restful sleep. I think maybe I am portraying myself as something of a basket case here, but I assure you anyone in my present state would be given to some amount of rambling. I mean it about the meditations and cleansings though. If they don't work, I don't know what else to do after. And just so we're clear, this isn't some DIY mental health edition mumbo jumbo (although I imagine more than a few of you will call it mumbo jumbo regardless). I guess for a lack of better words, I'd name it dabbling in the occult. Don't worry now, I'm not sacrificing children or animals or anything else. It's far more than that. It's opening the mind in connection with the spirit - something which can have incredible results depending on what you're wanting to do. However, relying on spirituality has been a last resort it seems, in my life, and I've been content with that and satisfied with that. But I've noticed that problems tend to crop up more and more and in greater magnitudes when I drop the shield of faith. And don't misconstrue that word, faith, now. I mean only a belief in my ability to change and affect the world around me through applied thought and feeling. Perhaps it could be compared to art without form, but still holding all the impact of emotion and intent.

For those who are unaware of Konstatinos, look here: http://konstantinos.com/aboutkonstantinos.htm
Even if you don't agree with it all, I feel that, like any philosopher, he raises ideas and questions that anyone can benefit from considering.

Meanwhile back at the point (is there a point?)... Kal seems to have taken the news (or rather recent lack of it) about the girl rather hard. I think perhaps we are influencing each other in our own neuroses, encouraging an arms race in insanity. Fucking hell I'm tired. I'm going to lie down now. I hope I can keep my eyes closed long enough to miss the sunrise.

-Michenab

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Silver lining a dining table
Reclining patrons lost in fable
Never wanting
But ever able.


Is it odd that God should be as thus?
I mean, why shouldn't He make a fuss?
Well, p'raps he is,
But we're on the Inquisitor's bus...


Or maybe this is just the universe
Where nothing is true
Except the weight of a purse
And the urchin-boy just needs a toy to ease his ride in the hearse.


Another Karamazov reference. I haven't slept since the 20th. I tried to sleep, but it just wouldn't come. So I spent an hour outside staring up at the moon, until the orange went away. Then I went back in, rubbed warmth back into my face and stared at the darkness until it became morning.
If this keeps up I'm going to the store and getting something to help me sleep. Thank whatever god or gods for the end of semester. I think I was hallucinating for a little while in the dark.


-Michenab

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I've Come to Hate Sleeping

It's true. Not only am I now generally incapable of sleeping, I've begun to dread it. It started with dreams. Or perhaps, I'm simply remembering experiencing more dreams than I am used to. It isn't so much the content of the dreams, but the sheer amount of them. For a few delirious seconds after waking, all I can think of is the overload of fantastical stories that have been playing out in my head through the night. Speaking of waking. That may be the worst part of going to sleep. I know that, no matter how tired I am, I will wake up at most seven hours after laying down. I thought maybe it was the sun. So I covered the window. No change. And I wake up just as tired as I was when I went to sleep. But I think the worst part of waking up in the mornings is tied in with the dreams.


I'll have woken up in the middle of a dream, almost without fail. And then I try to get up. But it's like my dream refuses to let go of me and I'll either a) fall back into the dream, paralyzing while I am still conscious and slipping into the dream state while conscious that I am dreaming (though lacking the control conferred in lucid dreams) or b) manage to get out of my bed but still be held in the grasp of my dreams for up to five minutes or so. And if you haven't experienced such a feeling, let me tell you that having your brain trying to dream while you are trying to walk is extremely disorienting. This is nearly every morning for the last couple weeks.


More recently than that, merely laying in my bed gives me headaches. I don't know if it's the association I've begun to build with sleep, but I can't stand it. If I try to sleep longer in the mornings when I wake up unreasonably early, the headaches come. I tried to take a nap the other day - headache.


This is terrible. But I guess that's my bitch fit for the night.


-Michenab

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Ugh.

It's been a rough week. I've barely slept. And, I know it isn't his fault, but Kal's coughing all night long doesn't help. Maybe if I get sick though I can pass out or something. The good news is, the lack of sleep has given me tons of time to work on school and to write whatever I want. So I suppose I'll share some of that with you now. The recreational writing, that is.

Soft whispers into an eager ear, hoping for more than sweet nothings, bring a moment of overwhelming joy as a promise is confirmed that was once merely unspoken and uncertain. Nipping lips send ripples ecstasy down a trembling body. Sensing impending fulfillment, that body turns, expecting the embrace of a lover, but falls into the arms of ashes. The body of Love sits wasted in the ruins of what never was and frail hands cover the face of Fantasy, hoping to stop the sting of tears that are, ultimately, inevitable and inexorable. The ash turns to sooty mud as the tears stream ever more and more down the face of Mourning, washing away the memories of lies as the morning light falls into the empty twilight of broken promises. It was all sweet nothings after all.
The ash swept away, leaving only stained and hard and cold granite beneath, the body of Hope rises with the moon and looks beneath the stars. There is no longer room in the mind of Reality to consider the sky. Eyes follow the ground, a trail to mundanity. Disgusted, but broken, feet begin to walk.

Cheery, no? Inspired by a weird commercial that I can't even remember the details of anymore. All I know is there was a hill in the background. I know it wasn't very long, but when something ends, it ends, y'know? There's more I could share, but Kal is sleeping and I feel very much like a nap is coming on right now. I have to take advantage of these when I can.


-Michenab

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