Sunday, December 19, 2010

Unpleasant Dreams

The problem with dreams is the truth they contain. All the secrets that your subconscious holds, the things you don't want to admit. 

Lately I've been dreaming of my ex, I blame it on my natural inclination for nostalgia and on this feeling of loneliness. Also on the fact that I clearly miss cuddling. Anyhow the story behind the two of us is nice and long and I have no intention of getting into on here but suffice to say we broke up about a year ago. We broke up because she didn't know what she wanted and as result there was some serious strain on the relationship, eventually it led to me reluctantly calling for a change or an end. She ended up picking an end, and well that was pretty painful for me. Something that took too damn long for me to get over. Thing is that for the last year I've avoided admitting the strain was just as much my fault as hers, well maybe not just as much but I certainly contributed to it quite a bit. See, as you may have noticed I'm sorta immature, I'm also rather lazy, complacent, and dull. Turns out that's a bad mix for a relationship. 

Now the universe has my ex toying with the idea of us getting back together again, something I simply can't see working out. I haven't grown enough in the last year to make it work and I'm not sure she has either, and honestly I care too much about her to put either of us through that shit again. That might not make sense to you. I'm not afraid to put myself through it, pain is no stranger to me and its something I can reasonably endure. I'm afraid that if we give this what would now be a third shot I would finally become bitter about the whole deal and end up losing her as a friend, and making her lose me as a friend. And that would hurt her much more than I could stand. And well, maybe despite my feelings for her (and my apparent inability to keep my hands to myself) I just want to go and move on.

So while we might not talk much anymore, while I do plan to say no, I do miss her and I do care for her, and in some form or another I likely always will.

And to any mysterious interfolks out there giving this a read:
Thanks for listening



  1. *cough*cough*


  2. If you do, give me a heads up first or something so I can find a.. quieter.. place to spend the night.

  3. Damien: How many times have we talked about this? Your thinking is much to fatalist, I'd much rather be alone until I find someone I care about then fill my life with insignificant flings.

    Henry: No worries, I totally would, but there's also no immediate concerns about me having to.

  4. It's not fatalistic. Fatalism is assuming the worst is going to happen. What I presented was proof that the best never will.

  5. It's fatalistic in you not thinking anything will ever be good enough because of how improbable it is to be the absolute best. And the same thing could be said for anything, why play a video game when a better one could come out, why read a book when something might be more enjoyable, why eat a sandwich when another might taste better? I realize this is a flawed analogy, as none of my examples have the same exclusivity as a relationship, my point is though that it is a fatalist attitude because you're claiming that because you will never have the optimum partner it's not worth pursing any relationship.

  6. Setoth: I may be something of a hopeless romantic, but I wouldn't call that proof of never. Proof of unlikely, sure, but there's still a chance.

    However, I do agree with you in that we seldom find the one person who is "The One". So instead, we change ourselves and mold ourselves to make a fit where there wasn't one or to make something fit better.

    We do a lot for happiness. But I rather look at the world in the way Kal seems to. Not everything has to be the best. Besides, the best is only what you make it out to be anyhow.

  7. Kal: you basically invalidated yourself by openly saying it's a flawed analogy. I'm going to re-validate it by saying it isn't flawed. See, you can tolerate a lesser sandwich because eventually, some day, you can eat a better sandwich. I tolerate lesser women because eventually, some day, I will enjoy a better woman. A relationship/marriage is like saying "I will only ever eat turkey sandwiches for the rest of my life because turkey is the best food ever." Well, good luck with that. I intend to enjoy all the different kinds of sandwiches I want to.

    Michenab: Well, yes. You do technically have a chance. It's half as likely as winning the Texas lottary if you're straight and one fourth as likely if you're bi, but regardless there is theoretically a chance. As for changing as people, don't most friends and family members always tell you not to change for a significant other, that anyone who matters will "love you" for who you are?

    Besides which, I don't believe in "settling" for anything short of the best for something as serious as sharing my life (which I happen to be quite fond of!) with another human being.

  8. Yes, but people don't love us for who we are. At least not at first. They love us for who we portray ourselves to be - and we create those masks to repel or attract people. It is only after they get through that facade that they can begin to understand who we really are. And if they love what is there when the mask is gone, then you have someone worthwhile.

    I share the sentiment about 'settling'. I've had very few relationships and all but one, I think, was long and intensive because my philosophy has been, if I can't see myself living with this woman until one of us dies, then I don't see the point in continuing/starting the relationship.

    I'm not entirely sure what I was trying to say earlier, but my past choices are evidence enough that I refuse to settle for someone that I know is beneath me or simply isn't for me.

  9. Yeah but the entire point of my post is that mathematically speaking you're always settling for less than the best. Or at least, odds are you're settling for less than the best.

  10. It's only settling if you recognize it as settling.

  11. Are we talking about willfull ignorance where you choose to ignore the rest of the world and pretend your current significant other IS the most compatible? Or about choosing who that 1/whateverabsurdnumberIcalculated is.

  12. I'm saying that if you think that this person likely isn't the most compatible, then you're setting yourself up for failure. You can't possibly know if whoever you currently are with is that one, so thinking constantly about how they most likely aren't is bound to turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.