Unpleasant Dreams

The problem with dreams is the truth they contain. All the secrets that your subconscious holds, the things you don't want to admit. 

Lately I've been dreaming of my ex, I blame it on my natural inclination for nostalgia and on this feeling of loneliness. Also on the fact that I clearly miss cuddling. Anyhow the story behind the two of us is nice and long and I have no intention of getting into on here but suffice to say we broke up about a year ago. We broke up because she didn't know what she wanted and as result there was some serious strain on the relationship, eventually it led to me reluctantly calling for a change or an end. She ended up picking an end, and well that was pretty painful for me. Something that took too damn long for me to get over. Thing is that for the last year I've avoided admitting the strain was just as much my fault as hers, well maybe not just as much but I certainly contributed to it quite a bit. See, as you may have noticed I'm sorta immature, I'm also rather lazy, complacent, and dull. Turns out that's a bad mix for a relationship. 

Now the universe has my ex toying with the idea of us getting back together again, something I simply can't see working out. I haven't grown enough in the last year to make it work and I'm not sure she has either, and honestly I care too much about her to put either of us through that shit again. That might not make sense to you. I'm not afraid to put myself through it, pain is no stranger to me and its something I can reasonably endure. I'm afraid that if we give this what would now be a third shot I would finally become bitter about the whole deal and end up losing her as a friend, and making her lose me as a friend. And that would hurt her much more than I could stand. And well, maybe despite my feelings for her (and my apparent inability to keep my hands to myself) I just want to go and move on.

So while we might not talk much anymore, while I do plan to say no, I do miss her and I do care for her, and in some form or another I likely always will.

And to any mysterious interfolks out there giving this a read:
Thanks for listening
~Kal

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