Insomnia Vol. II

I've been told before that I get too wrapped up in books. Maybe it's true, or maybe the books I read are so true that they become infectious. Either way, I can't sleep again. I had been doing pretty well for a while, on a regular sleep schedule. But I finally was able to get back to reading House of Leaves. It's haunting - far more than that even. It digs into the soul and itches and irritates and undermines the psyche. And the stress of the episode with the cops and school and now renewed insomnia... I think I'm hearing and seeing things. Remember my story about the wobbling walls? Well try this out: small spots of black or grey resting in the far edge of my vision until I choose to look at them; the sound of footsteps on concrete when I am alone in a carpeted building; warped vision and hearing. I haven't lost any time - I'm not so sleep deprived as to pass out - yet. These things aren't constant. I don't know whether to be thankful for that or not. I think, sometimes, that if it were a constant barrage of insanity I might be able to deal with it, but the timing of these events are just irregular enough to keep me on constant edge, fraying my nerves over and over and over. I've decided I'm going to resume meditations and cleansings - practices I dropped long ago as no longer necessary - in the manner of Konstantinos (though my own take on them). They helped once before when I felt haunted by some shadow of my own or another's invention, haunted then not by endless hallways blanketed in eternal darkness, but by irrational paranoia. I fucking hope this works again. I need sleep, and not the sleep I manage to steal now and again currently, filled with dreams of dark basements and room after room after room, gray and silent with no escape, but calm and restful sleep. I think maybe I am portraying myself as something of a basket case here, but I assure you anyone in my present state would be given to some amount of rambling. I mean it about the meditations and cleansings though. If they don't work, I don't know what else to do after. And just so we're clear, this isn't some DIY mental health edition mumbo jumbo (although I imagine more than a few of you will call it mumbo jumbo regardless). I guess for a lack of better words, I'd name it dabbling in the occult. Don't worry now, I'm not sacrificing children or animals or anything else. It's far more than that. It's opening the mind in connection with the spirit - something which can have incredible results depending on what you're wanting to do. However, relying on spirituality has been a last resort it seems, in my life, and I've been content with that and satisfied with that. But I've noticed that problems tend to crop up more and more and in greater magnitudes when I drop the shield of faith. And don't misconstrue that word, faith, now. I mean only a belief in my ability to change and affect the world around me through applied thought and feeling. Perhaps it could be compared to art without form, but still holding all the impact of emotion and intent.

For those who are unaware of Konstatinos, look here: http://konstantinos.com/aboutkonstantinos.htm
Even if you don't agree with it all, I feel that, like any philosopher, he raises ideas and questions that anyone can benefit from considering.

Meanwhile back at the point (is there a point?)... Kal seems to have taken the news (or rather recent lack of it) about the girl rather hard. I think perhaps we are influencing each other in our own neuroses, encouraging an arms race in insanity. Fucking hell I'm tired. I'm going to lie down now. I hope I can keep my eyes closed long enough to miss the sunrise.

-Michenab

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You know what's Terrible?

Its terrible when you wake up 5 minutes before your alarm clock goes off and you sit there in a daze before it starts blaring in your ear. In commemoration of this most horrid event I'm going to shower and dress for work, but before we do that I think I'll let you all act as an excuse to cower in my warm bed a while longer before going out into the hallway to face the cruel elements of apartment life. Aferwards I may hunt down and devour a box of wild cheerios before starting the long hard migration to the fabled land of Skool.

So, in recognition of this event I give you all...
Drum roll please
... a Vox 93 style music dump. Primarily of the songs that make my little mornings of hell a tad less hellish.

Starting off the list is Temple of Love, a lyrically beautiful song from The Sisters of Mercy, and a pretty rocking one at that... but everyone loves Temple of Love much like everybody loves Black Planet (except me, Black Planet isn't bad, there are just so many songs that I prefer to it), so let's go and get some more Mercy on.

Directly above is my favorite, and what I believe to be Damien's favorite Sisters song respectively, though I'm not going to wake him at this awful hour to check on it. And with that we move on to the next band...

London After Midnight

London after Midnight is obviously rather political minded, and while I can't always share it their opinions I can certainly enjoy their music.

Next up we have the very talented Emilie Autumn

Her work exhibits a particular darkness that I find incredibly attractive, a sort of tortured sound of someone who's been broken but carries on anyhow... I'm not really sure how to articulate what it is I like about her music, a venom or bitterness perhaps, but there is one thing I can say for certain...

...Some of it makes me extremely thankful for my Y chromosome.

Slowly rising on my list of favorite bands (slowly due to my own lack of exploration ) is Christian Death

If familiar you'll notice these are all Valor Kand pieces, this is because I haven't given Rozz a proper listen yet, though I must say I'm really liking what I've head of Valor.

Next up, deviating from everything that's come before we've got some Tom Waits

And finally the single song that got me started on music in the first place - The Mission UK's Amelia

It should be mentioned that I sing these songs along with my iPod... loudly... and terribly... and considering the lyrical content of some of them (read: nearly all of them) I get some pretty strange looks. My singing is a voice box weaponized.

TGIF

~Kal

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Student Teaching

Alright, well I'm sure you're all wondering about my first week as a teacher... what? You aren't? You come here for Henry's short stories and poetry? Ehh, screw you, I'm typing it up anyhow.

Good God do I not like waking up at 6AM, it's just a generally unpleasant thing to do. I certainly did pick a strange occupation for myself with that in mind. Anyway, while I know I've stated this a half billion times now, I have to wake up at 6AM tomorrow and every day even though the school doesn't open until 9. I have to do this because I do not have a car, instead I get to hike and ride some 50 miles from home to get to the school house. It takes me about 40 minutes to dress and shower and gather up all my crap, then I trudge off into the snow towards Forest Ridge Elementary School, well I did Tuesday anyhow. We haven't been getting all that much snow around here surprisingly. It is cold though, and that sucks; cold weather means a couple things for me. It means that A) I cannot wear my favorite coat and have to settle instead for my less attractive but warmer one. And B) that the portions of my journey between bus stops are agonizing 20 minute stretches of cold and I end up nose dripping when I make it to the school, which really is a pretty unprofessional way to arrive. All in all though it's a pretty enjoyable journey, I get to spend about an hour and 45 minutes every morning listening to The Sisters of Mercy, London After Midnight, E.S. Posthumus, Christian Death and various other musicians on the way to work. (I call it work because I'm a far better employee than student and I don't want to screw this up, hopefully adopting that mindset will keep me on task.)

As for my actual day at the school, well for now I spend most of it at a desk at the back of Mrs. Veglahn's 3rd grade class nursing my mango energy drink to keep awake and observing the way she teaches the class and handles the problems that her students occasionally stir up. When the kids go off to gym class, the library, lunch, or any of their other midday activities Terra (that's Mrs. Veglahn) runs me through writing up and carrying out lesson plans which is apparently a rather large part of course. Later on I'll be writing up and carrying out my own lesson plans with these 30 or so kids as guinea pigs, but that's still about a month or so off.

At recess I'm sent outside to watch over the kids... I suspect because it's cold outside and being student teacher means that on top of learning the trade I also get to perform grunt work. I don't really mind though, besides the nipping wind the worst I've had to deal with so far was a kid from another class trying to climb the little chain fence that marks the end of the blacktop to retrieve a stray kickball. Past the fence is a paved road leading back to the staff parking lot, and then thick woods with a small ditch in front of it, for obvious reasons the kids have to stay within the fenced area.

After Recess I go back in and sit in the back of the classroom again, have a chat with Mrs. Veglahn about the day, ride the bus home, and then promptly pass the hell out. Speaking of passing out... I've got work tomorrow, I should really be getting to sleep. Work in the morning.

Constantly awoken by a cascading alarms

~Kal

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Moan

Uggggggggggggggggg, the sun isn't even up and it's an hour later here, how am I going to manage doing this every day for like 3 months? What was I thinking? Something tells me this is not going to be my most funnest semester of school evers.

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The future

So school starts in just about a week which will not only severely limit my free time but also force me to be awake during hours of normal human interaction... stupid regular people. Anyhow between this and my second illness in two months time I won't be able to do that let's play of System Shock 2 which is a real shame, hell I probably won't get much gaming done for the whole of this semester. I suppose it is a good thing they pushed Human Revolution back after all. Anyhow from here on out my existence is going to be purely lesson plans and waking up a 6am. 

Which I've decided to started practicing. 

Yay.
~Kal

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Grr (Subject to mild exaggeration)

I thought I was getting better, I'd barely coughed all day, suddenly it's 5 AM and I'm coughing card hard enough to jettison my precious Halls drops clear out my mouth and across the room.
Jesus Christ when will this fucking end?
~Kal

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Ugh.

It's been a rough week. I've barely slept. And, I know it isn't his fault, but Kal's coughing all night long doesn't help. Maybe if I get sick though I can pass out or something. The good news is, the lack of sleep has given me tons of time to work on school and to write whatever I want. So I suppose I'll share some of that with you now. The recreational writing, that is.

Soft whispers into an eager ear, hoping for more than sweet nothings, bring a moment of overwhelming joy as a promise is confirmed that was once merely unspoken and uncertain. Nipping lips send ripples ecstasy down a trembling body. Sensing impending fulfillment, that body turns, expecting the embrace of a lover, but falls into the arms of ashes. The body of Love sits wasted in the ruins of what never was and frail hands cover the face of Fantasy, hoping to stop the sting of tears that are, ultimately, inevitable and inexorable. The ash turns to sooty mud as the tears stream ever more and more down the face of Mourning, washing away the memories of lies as the morning light falls into the empty twilight of broken promises. It was all sweet nothings after all.
The ash swept away, leaving only stained and hard and cold granite beneath, the body of Hope rises with the moon and looks beneath the stars. There is no longer room in the mind of Reality to consider the sky. Eyes follow the ground, a trail to mundanity. Disgusted, but broken, feet begin to walk.

Cheery, no? Inspired by a weird commercial that I can't even remember the details of anymore. All I know is there was a hill in the background. I know it wasn't very long, but when something ends, it ends, y'know? There's more I could share, but Kal is sleeping and I feel very much like a nap is coming on right now. I have to take advantage of these when I can.


-Michenab

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