Monday, February 28, 2011

I was really hoping for good news

I just got back from the school. Damien's research was not what I wanted to hear, I was hoping to get back and read that that Crowley theory was legit and then have Damien give me some simple fucking solution to fix all this. No Dice. Instead I come home to a nice big brand of BS; instead I'm stuck in the same sinking ship as all the other poor bastards out there that have encountered this thing. They call it the Slenderman, and it seems to be rather busy. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not when it comes down to my own personal situation. 

You may be asking why I've gone back to the school. I mean that's where this thing showed itself to me in the first place, that's where this all started. I'd have to be crazy to go back right? I should want to be as far from that place as possible. 

Honestly I'm still kinda praying I am crazy, I mean I know I'm not... there are all these stories out there, I can't just start hallucinating something like this before I've even heard of it. This thing is real, it's responsible for Sara's disappearance and now it's after me. It's demonstrated rather thoroughly that it can follow me wherever it likes. I feel safer with all those people around me at the school, I don't know what this Slenderman thing is or what it wants with me but from what I've read it doesn't usually act in the open... I feel safer there then alone in the apartment with Henry away at school or going out to do whatever it is that he's been doing lately. 

 There's also the matter of the kids. That Slenderia site says it goes after kids. Little Sara asked me that first week if I saw something in the woods, I laughed and said I didn't. Fuck I didn't even bother to look up. She stayed inside and drew pictures during recess, she stared out that damn window and never went out. I never realized, she went through all this first, petrified of this Slenderman and tried to ask me for help and I never even realized. I thought it was just some boogeyman you know? I mean we all had monsters under our beds, I just figured she had a good strong imagination and was just letting it get the better of her. I didn't give it a second thought. And now all this... that thing's got her and I could have done something. I'm not going to just sit and let another kid go missing. 

I've got a lot of reading to do. I need to figure this thing out... Hopefully next time you hear from me there will be good news, because there certainly isn't any tonight.



And so concludes one of the best weekends I’ve had in a long while. I suppose I should probably introduce some backstory first. There’s a girl, Veronica (but I call her Ronnie), that I’ve known for a while via classes and we've gotten to be pretty good friends. She invited me Thursday night to a party she was going to (she managed to keep her Fridays free of classes and I knew I wasn’t going to be sleeping anyhow, so why not). It looked like she was there to actually have fun. I was simply trying to escape the insanity pit that the apartment had become (more on that in a bit). She was the only one I knew very well, so I spent most of the night with her. And now we’ve been on a date every single day since, and have more planned. And the most amazing thing about all of this: on Saturday, after I got Ronnie home, I actually felt like sleeping. I feel this bears repeating: I was genuinely tired and felt like I could sleep! And it gets better because I actually could sleep. I got a whole nine hours. That hasn't happened in a while, despite my best efforts. I don’t know if it’s because of the new relationship or not but either way, I am not complaining because with sleep has come an end to the obsession with the darkness that surrounded Navidson and Johnny Truant and a window opening to happiness. The endless halls of Infinity that I have been trapped in are dissipating. I feel free.

If only I could say the same for Kal. Last week was… Well, I’m sure you can all see part of it in his posts. There were days though that he didn’t even leave his room. And I’m not sure how to help him (majoring in journalism, not psychology, after all). Maybe if I get him into the sunlight a bit more. But I think we’ll definitely be avoiding trees, for his sake.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

You'll be wanting an explanation for the other night's outbursts I'll expect.

I've surely made it clear by now that I haven't been getting too much sleep. Yeah. The nightmares have made sure of that. Last Wednesday though I took a nice trip into the woods behind Forest Ridge Elementary School. It was soothing, nostalgic even. Colorado forests, while different from those I'm used to, have the same feeling as those back home. I spent a lot of time in the woods as a kid, grew up on top of one and it always served as a nice escape from life's ridiculous drama, a home away from the shit of home. Wednesday I took a nice long stroll in the woods and mellowed out. Wednesday night I slept well for the first time in weeks.

Good things never last though. The damn nightmares came back quickly. I started was spending my nights watching that poor girl dragged into darkness again, screaming and clawing towards me for help. And I'd just stand there and watch. It's like that in every dream, I just stand and watch her suffer unable to turn, unable to help. I can't sleep like that, I wake up in sweat soaked sheets to find that I've only been out for all of five minutes.

Monday during recess one of the student's asked me where Sara's been . I decided it was time for another walk in the woods. I hoped another stroll would calm me and hopefully let me nap peacefully again.

No fucking dice.

I pushed off into the forest after school, crossed the small frozen creek and trudged uphill and into ankle deep snow. I queued up some Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio on my iPod and started my excursion following my footsteps from the week before. I traveled deeper into the trees than I'd intended, far deeper than I had gone last week. I hiked up rocky hills and carefully crossed icy streams by way of snow covered logs. I lost myself in the music, pressed forward in a half-conscious state of exploration while following animal tracks and traversing thick briers. It was a good trip, I haven't had a walk like it for a few years.

My music stopped suddenly though, a crackle of my headphones and a frozen screen. I cursed irritated with my shitty device and turned back towards the school, it was getting dark anyhow and I should really head back. There in my path though stood a man turned from me. His black suit split my sight pure in contrast to the snow around him, his body bent and shining against the frosted ground. I called out to him surprised by his proximity and concerned by his hunched stature.

He turned... no turned isn't right, twisted towards me, torso swiveling and leaving legs firmly planted in the silver snow. He... it stretched upwards from its previous pose, enormous , beyond human, it soared feet above me and smiled. How it smiled I don't know. It didn't have a face: no eyes or mouth, no nose or ears, this thing's head was purely blank. No contours or features and yet it smiled.

I tried to turn and run but something in its horrifying visage held me paralyzed. I moved away, scampering backwards all the while unable to take my eyes from its cold featureless flesh. In my frantic attempt away from the faceless monster my foot caught on a stray root and set me tumbling to the ground and disconnecting my gaze from that of the vile thing before me. I hurried back to my feet, turning immediately to avoid looking upon it for fear that I'd find myself petrified again. I ran back through the woods, back over frozen creeks and through twisted branches. I ran straight to the bus stop and chased down the bus that was leaving already. I ran so far away from that thing firmly planted in the woods with snow crusted around it's legs. There's no way it should have been able to follow.

But it did, I caught glimpses of it all the way back. It just appeared on the route on the edge of light. I saw it idly stand beneath lonely trees and in dimly lit lots. It followed me all the way home, made sure I saw it, made sure I could feel its nonexistent eyes. And you know, I hope I was right last night, I really hope that I'm going mad. I hope this thing doesn't exist, that it's a hallucination. Because if it's not... well it's still outside.


Monday, February 21, 2011


Alright. Calm down. I just need to calm down.

I'm going crazy, going right fucking insane, there is no other explanation for this bullshit. This fucking sleep deprivation of mine is the only logical explanation. I'm stressed to hell and dealing with this damn irrational guilt about that fucking little girl and it's wracking my mind. It's making me see shit. It's a hallucination... it has to be... I mean things like that just don't exist. It's gotta be a hallucination. It wasn't real, none of that was real, just a brain failure. I'm perfectly safe in here. Locked up in my room barricaded to all hell. Perfectly safe. I'm just going crazy, I'm just exhausted. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. Honestly, it couldn't have been real. 

It followed me. It followed me all the way home, all the way back from the school. IO ran, Jesus I ran , I ran the fuck out of thos woods. Ran for the bus and then from the bus all the way home. I ran so hard that I coollapsed on the fucking hardwod soon as I managed to get the frontdoor bolted. I ran into my room and locvked that up too. The door, the windows, I fucking barricaded everythig. I don't now how but it followed me all the way back. I know it did, I never sae it move but I can fucking feel it on me. its out there, I can see its' long fucking shadow stretching acreoss the neighbors lawn. It's just standing there right just beyond my visoin, I think that its waiting for somethin.


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Insomnia Vol. II

I've been told before that I get too wrapped up in books. Maybe it's true, or maybe the books I read are so true that they become infectious. Either way, I can't sleep again. I had been doing pretty well for a while, on a regular sleep schedule. But I finally was able to get back to reading House of Leaves. It's haunting - far more than that even. It digs into the soul and itches and irritates and undermines the psyche. And the stress of the episode with the cops and school and now renewed insomnia... I think I'm hearing and seeing things. Remember my story about the wobbling walls? Well try this out: small spots of black or grey resting in the far edge of my vision until I choose to look at them; the sound of footsteps on concrete when I am alone in a carpeted building; warped vision and hearing. I haven't lost any time - I'm not so sleep deprived as to pass out - yet. These things aren't constant. I don't know whether to be thankful for that or not. I think, sometimes, that if it were a constant barrage of insanity I might be able to deal with it, but the timing of these events are just irregular enough to keep me on constant edge, fraying my nerves over and over and over. I've decided I'm going to resume meditations and cleansings - practices I dropped long ago as no longer necessary - in the manner of Konstantinos (though my own take on them). They helped once before when I felt haunted by some shadow of my own or another's invention, haunted then not by endless hallways blanketed in eternal darkness, but by irrational paranoia. I fucking hope this works again. I need sleep, and not the sleep I manage to steal now and again currently, filled with dreams of dark basements and room after room after room, gray and silent with no escape, but calm and restful sleep. I think maybe I am portraying myself as something of a basket case here, but I assure you anyone in my present state would be given to some amount of rambling. I mean it about the meditations and cleansings though. If they don't work, I don't know what else to do after. And just so we're clear, this isn't some DIY mental health edition mumbo jumbo (although I imagine more than a few of you will call it mumbo jumbo regardless). I guess for a lack of better words, I'd name it dabbling in the occult. Don't worry now, I'm not sacrificing children or animals or anything else. It's far more than that. It's opening the mind in connection with the spirit - something which can have incredible results depending on what you're wanting to do. However, relying on spirituality has been a last resort it seems, in my life, and I've been content with that and satisfied with that. But I've noticed that problems tend to crop up more and more and in greater magnitudes when I drop the shield of faith. And don't misconstrue that word, faith, now. I mean only a belief in my ability to change and affect the world around me through applied thought and feeling. Perhaps it could be compared to art without form, but still holding all the impact of emotion and intent.

For those who are unaware of Konstatinos, look here:
Even if you don't agree with it all, I feel that, like any philosopher, he raises ideas and questions that anyone can benefit from considering.

Meanwhile back at the point (is there a point?)... Kal seems to have taken the news (or rather recent lack of it) about the girl rather hard. I think perhaps we are influencing each other in our own neuroses, encouraging an arms race in insanity. Fucking hell I'm tired. I'm going to lie down now. I hope I can keep my eyes closed long enough to miss the sunrise.



Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Can't get any sleep. Every time I close my eyes my subconscious decides to treat me to the twisted images brewing in my imagination. Tomorrow is going to be hell.

I shouldn't complain though, at least one little girl is in a worst spot than I am right now...


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Not a good day...

What. The. Hell.

I just got out of police custody. No actually that may be misleading, saying I just got out of police questioning might be a better way to put it. 

I was riding the bus home today as usual when I got a call from Henry. Police officers were at the apartment and were looking for me... granted I had no clue what the hell was going on but told him I was on my way back.

Turns out one of the absent students from Friday went missing. A little girl. And seeing as I student teach for the class and have no history of working with children I get to be  suspect. Yay. I mean I get it, here I am some random college student suddenly working at an elementary school and a kid goes missing, yeah that's the sorta thing that you investigate, I get it I really do. But it sucks, I mean what are schools going to think? We notice that while you were student teaching a child went missing, sorry we aren't going to hire you creepy guy. 

Oh yes. And a little girl is missing. Since Friday. That's just awesome. What the hell is wrong with people?

Anyhow a crowd is forming around our room trying to figure out why a cop is hanging about so end up getting stuffed in the back of a police car and taken down to the station to this little room where I was asked a bunch of questions, they figured it would be better that way. Honestly I was in no position to protest. It wasn't the sort of room you see on TV crime shows, it was a small maybe 7' x 6' room with yellowed walls and one of those little folding laminate table thingys pressed up against one of the walls. No windows, just a door and yellowed walls. It was claustrophobic. The officer sits me down on one of the short sides of the table and takes a seat on the long side and starts to ask me a bunch of questions.

I'm shaking, my voice is stuttering, I am terribly uncomfortable. Not only are my fears of authority figures acting up, I AM BEING FREAKING INTERROGATED. It was not an experience I'd like to repeat, I doubt I did a great job of making myself look innocent. So he goes off and he starts asking me where I was from Friday afternoon onwards. 

I told him that on Friday after work I walk/rode the bus home like every other day. That I came home, cooked and ate some sausage, sat down and started reading the book reports I was given to pre-grade and then went to sleep early to ski with my dad and his buddy. I told him that both days over the weekend I woke up early, went out to the mountain and skied 'til 3ish before coming home and watching a bit of TV and doing some more schoolwork at the apartment. Then I just started to spew everything I knew about Sara (the missing girl). I told him how she would stare out the window towards the playground incessantly, yet preferred to stay inside at recess. I told him how she often read in class and as result was scolded by Mrs. Veglahn. I told him about how on my first day there she came to me on the playground and asked me if I saw something in the woods behind the school. He asked more several questions about her I couldn't answer, and then eventually he let me go call up Henry, and then go back home.

I hope Sara's alright wherever she is.


The day is saved! (I think)

I just got a call from Kal - I think everything is alright but I still don't have all the details. Anyway, I need to go pick him up from the station. I think I'll bring him some food to eat, something he likes.

What a day. Started off normal and then.. phhhhbbbbttt.



The hell...

Some cops came around the apartment today. I noticed them when I got home from a trip to the store (and what a short trip that was, it's cold) and was wondering why they were kinda lurking in the hall by the front door but I didn't make the connection then.  I guess they were waiting for someone to show up because not too long after they knocked on the door (standard police knock - BANG BANG BANG) asking after Kal. I told them I didn't know then shut the door in their faces (I don't like cops much), locked it and immediately called Kal to let him know. I couldn't tell him why they wanted him (I didn't know myself) but I warned him off before the call dropped.

The dumb bastard showed up anyway. I didn't get any information after that, they just BANG-BANG-BANG'd on the door again after Kal opened the door - he didn't even get the time to drop his stuff and the cops were in hauling him off. Fuck. I'm flipping through the yellow pages for lawyers now and have been for most of the half hour or so Kal's been gone. I don't even know what the hell.


Sunday, February 6, 2011

This is an experiment to see how this works. Wow. How dull was that. Anyhow, this is me blogging from my phone.


Are you ready for some Footbaaaaaaaaaaaall?

I'm not. I've got more important things to do then watch the Superbowl, I've got a bunch of book reports to pre-grade so Mrs. Veglahn can gauge how my grading abilities are coming, I've got books to finish, and I need to of course get some sleep so I can wake up in the morning. I should have done it earlier, the grading that is,  but I was out skiing with my dad for the last time in a long time.

You see the big boss of my dad's company went and demoted my dad's boss into my dad's position and my dad back into his old position. As a result my dad will be moving back to Austin full time and I probably won't get to go skiing much anymore, or see him much anymore. So that sucks, but I suppose that's how life goes right? Terrible unfortunate things happen and you just have to carry on, at least we gave him a proper send off. Both yesterday and today my dad, a work friend of his, and I went skiing. To commemorate the occasion I skied my first doubleblack diamond yesterday, and then continued to ski them today... doubleblack diamonds by the way are basically the hardest thing you can ski besides a cliff face. It was a great weekend, I fell more times than I could count. One time yesterday I even fell face first into a mogul and lost both my skis... all and all an awesome couple of trips. So I won't get to ski much anymore but at least my parents will be living in the same place again and I suppose it means I can go blow all that money I was saving for a snowboard on other things. I do love me some things.

As for school though, despite the constant snow (which is weird), and cold weather (which is unpleasant) Forest Ridge hasn't closed at all unlike other schools in the area. The closest we've gotten is a late day on Thursday where I got to sleep for two extra hours and then show up twenty minutes late due to unfamiliar bus schedules. I think the some of the parents have gotten tired of driving through the traffic and snow when other schools are shut down though because about a third of the class was missing on Friday. This is totally fine by me though, less reports to read :D. 

To be honest I didn't really want to be there Friday either, I spent most of the day peering out the window to the trees behind the school thinking about the woods behind my house when I was a little kid. If it wasn't so cold outside and I didn't have to get all dressed up for work I'd totally go exploring back there like old times. Been a long time since I explored a forest, there's nothing in the world like walking out from the woods all cut up from briers and thorns, scratching at a new case of poison ivy and picking those little spiky balls off your shoelaces. It's just a very satisfying misfortune... kinda like taking a nasty spill while skiing, it's worth the pain. Besides, I've never wandered a Colorado forest before, I wonder what sort of surprises I'd find among all those pines?

Anywho, back to grading


Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Attempted Kidnapper Arrested

I don't know if this has anything to with the rest of the stories I've seen, but at least I don't feel like I'm going crazy anymore. At least not as much. I've been reading House of Leaves and, combined with a lack of sleep, shit's been getting weird. For example, today I kind of zoned out while sitting on my bed. Pretty soon, I noticed the walls were wobbling. Of course they stopped when I focused my eyes back but I still was a little nervous for a second that the floor was going to drop away and eat me. It didn't help that this morning when I woke up I heard a loud, heavy bang, dull and powerful as if ancient gods were attempting to burst their way to freedom through my bedroom ceiling. Obviously Mr. Truant is having some kind of effect on my prose...

Guidelines for House of Leaves:
If you are prone to hallucinations (visual or aural), don't read it.
If you don't sleep much, don't read it.
If you are easily scared by mindfucks, don't read it.
Just in general, don't read it.

Not that it's bad. No, in fact it's great. A wonderful work of art. Just don't read it. It isn't worth the thoughts that leap out of your brain, wondering if there's some thing around the corner ready to envelop you in its ink dark embrace. I don't think I'll ever view basements the same way again.

But perhaps I'm overreacting. It is, after all, just a book. A book much like the House it contains. The House that it is. Full of branching hallways and dark, endless corridors that stretch through the imagination only to slam shut, ending the suspense with broken bones and a longing for answers to questions that were never asked - questions that were never found - questions that never were.

Not quite on topic, but I find it applicable.
odi et amo. quare id faciam fortasse requiris.
nescio. sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
But I refer not to a woman. No, not a woman, but the twisting, tortuous pathways of the mind, full of everything and yet empty and bare for their physical absence.



Baby It's cold outside.

Oooooh boy is it cold. 3° on Monday, -6° yesterday, and 1° today. That is frikkin cold let me tell you, -6° is goddamn motherfucking cold. Need I repeat that I get to walk in that for half of my hour and half journey to work every morning? Not fun. Work is going fine btw, I've gone and got myself a handle on all the kids names save like 3, which is really impressive given my lack of affinity for names, I've started actually teaching a few lessons on top of my duties as a lunch monitor/recess watcher/glorified gofer. Yesterday I got to do a demonstration of potential and kinetic energy which was pretty cool. Oh, and I get to grade book reports this weekend. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. 

 Oh also, I finally got a chance to go skiing with my dad this weekend, luckily before it got really really really freaking cold, in fact it was pretty warm, we spent the day skiing blacks and a couple blues, I finally got a handle on moguls (even if they do destroy my legs), and then I went home and made chili. All and all it was an excellent day.