I just got back from the school. Damien's research was not what I wanted to hear, I was hoping to get back and read that that Crowley theory was legit and then have Damien give me some simple fucking solution to fix all this. No Dice. Instead I come home to a nice big brand of BS; instead I'm stuck in the same sinking ship as all the other poor bastards out there that have encountered this thing. They call it the Slenderman, and it seems to be rather busy. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not when it comes down to my own personal situation.
You may be asking why I've gone back to the school. I mean that's where this thing showed itself to me in the first place, that's where this all started. I'd have to be crazy to go back right? I should want to be as far from that place as possible.
Honestly I'm still kinda praying I am crazy, I mean I know I'm not... there are all these stories out there, I can't just start hallucinating something like this before I've even heard of it. This thing is real, it's responsible for Sara's disappearance and now it's after me. It's demonstrated rather thoroughly that it can follow me wherever it likes. I feel safer with all those people around me at the school, I don't know what this Slenderman thing is or what it wants with me but from what I've read it doesn't usually act in the open... I feel safer there then alone in the apartment with Henry away at school or going out to do whatever it is that he's been doing lately.
There's also the matter of the kids. That Slenderia site says it goes after kids. Little Sara asked me that first week if I saw something in the woods, I laughed and said I didn't. Fuck I didn't even bother to look up. She stayed inside and drew pictures during recess, she stared out that damn window and never went out. I never realized, she went through all this first, petrified of this Slenderman and tried to ask me for help and I never even realized. I thought it was just some boogeyman you know? I mean we all had monsters under our beds, I just figured she had a good strong imagination and was just letting it get the better of her. I didn't give it a second thought. And now all this... that thing's got her and I could have done something. I'm not going to just sit and let another kid go missing.
I've got a lot of reading to do. I need to figure this thing out... Hopefully next time you hear from me there will be good news, because there certainly isn't any tonight.
~Kal
Previous/Next
Monday, February 28, 2011
Romance
And so concludes one of the best weekends I’ve had in a long while. I suppose I should probably introduce some backstory first. There’s a girl, Veronica (but I call her Ronnie), that I’ve known for a while via classes and we've gotten to be pretty good friends. She invited me Thursday night to a party she was going to (she managed to keep her Fridays free of classes and I knew I wasn’t going to be sleeping anyhow, so why not). It looked like she was there to actually have fun. I was simply trying to escape the insanity pit that the apartment had become (more on that in a bit). She was the only one I knew very well, so I spent most of the night with her. And now we’ve been on a date every single day since, and have more planned. And the most amazing thing about all of this: on Saturday, after I got Ronnie home, I actually felt like sleeping. I feel this bears repeating: I was genuinely tired and felt like I could sleep! And it gets better because I actually could sleep. I got a whole nine hours. That hasn't happened in a while, despite my best efforts. I don’t know if it’s because of the new relationship or not but either way, I am not complaining because with sleep has come an end to the obsession with the darkness that surrounded Navidson and Johnny Truant and a window opening to happiness. The endless halls of Infinity that I have been trapped in are dissipating. I feel free.
If only I could say the same for Kal. Last week was… Well, I’m sure you can all see part of it in his posts. There were days though that he didn’t even leave his room. And I’m not sure how to help him (majoring in journalism, not psychology, after all). Maybe if I get him into the sunlight a bit more. But I think we’ll definitely be avoiding trees, for his sake.
-Michenab
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
You'll be wanting an explanation for the other night's outbursts I'll expect.
I've surely made it clear by now that I haven't been getting too much sleep. Yeah. The nightmares have made sure of that. Last Wednesday though I took a nice trip into the woods behind Forest Ridge Elementary School. It was soothing, nostalgic even. Colorado forests, while different from those I'm used to, have the same feeling as those back home. I spent a lot of time in the woods as a kid, grew up on top of one and it always served as a nice escape from life's ridiculous drama, a home away from the shit of home. Wednesday I took a nice long stroll in the woods and mellowed out. Wednesday night I slept well for the first time in weeks.
Good things never last though. The damn nightmares came back quickly. I started was spending my nights watching that poor girl dragged into darkness again, screaming and clawing towards me for help. And I'd just stand there and watch. It's like that in every dream, I just stand and watch her suffer unable to turn, unable to help. I can't sleep like that, I wake up in sweat soaked sheets to find that I've only been out for all of five minutes.
Monday during recess one of the student's asked me where Sara's been . I decided it was time for another walk in the woods. I hoped another stroll would calm me and hopefully let me nap peacefully again.
No fucking dice.
I pushed off into the forest after school, crossed the small frozen creek and trudged uphill and into ankle deep snow. I queued up some Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio on my iPod and started my excursion following my footsteps from the week before. I traveled deeper into the trees than I'd intended, far deeper than I had gone last week. I hiked up rocky hills and carefully crossed icy streams by way of snow covered logs. I lost myself in the music, pressed forward in a half-conscious state of exploration while following animal tracks and traversing thick briers. It was a good trip, I haven't had a walk like it for a few years.
My music stopped suddenly though, a crackle of my headphones and a frozen screen. I cursed irritated with my shitty device and turned back towards the school, it was getting dark anyhow and I should really head back. There in my path though stood a man turned from me. His black suit split my sight pure in contrast to the snow around him, his body bent and shining against the frosted ground. I called out to him surprised by his proximity and concerned by his hunched stature.
He turned... no turned isn't right, twisted towards me, torso swiveling and leaving legs firmly planted in the silver snow. He... it stretched upwards from its previous pose, enormous , beyond human, it soared feet above me and smiled. How it smiled I don't know. It didn't have a face: no eyes or mouth, no nose or ears, this thing's head was purely blank. No contours or features and yet it smiled.
I tried to turn and run but something in its horrifying visage held me paralyzed. I moved away, scampering backwards all the while unable to take my eyes from its cold featureless flesh. In my frantic attempt away from the faceless monster my foot caught on a stray root and set me tumbling to the ground and disconnecting my gaze from that of the vile thing before me. I hurried back to my feet, turning immediately to avoid looking upon it for fear that I'd find myself petrified again. I ran back through the woods, back over frozen creeks and through twisted branches. I ran straight to the bus stop and chased down the bus that was leaving already. I ran so far away from that thing firmly planted in the woods with snow crusted around it's legs. There's no way it should have been able to follow.
But it did, I caught glimpses of it all the way back. It just appeared on the route on the edge of light. I saw it idly stand beneath lonely trees and in dimly lit lots. It followed me all the way home, made sure I saw it, made sure I could feel its nonexistent eyes. And you know, I hope I was right last night, I really hope that I'm going mad. I hope this thing doesn't exist, that it's a hallucination. Because if it's not... well it's still outside.
Previous/Next
I've surely made it clear by now that I haven't been getting too much sleep. Yeah. The nightmares have made sure of that. Last Wednesday though I took a nice trip into the woods behind Forest Ridge Elementary School. It was soothing, nostalgic even. Colorado forests, while different from those I'm used to, have the same feeling as those back home. I spent a lot of time in the woods as a kid, grew up on top of one and it always served as a nice escape from life's ridiculous drama, a home away from the shit of home. Wednesday I took a nice long stroll in the woods and mellowed out. Wednesday night I slept well for the first time in weeks.
Good things never last though. The damn nightmares came back quickly. I started was spending my nights watching that poor girl dragged into darkness again, screaming and clawing towards me for help. And I'd just stand there and watch. It's like that in every dream, I just stand and watch her suffer unable to turn, unable to help. I can't sleep like that, I wake up in sweat soaked sheets to find that I've only been out for all of five minutes.
Monday during recess one of the student's asked me where Sara's been . I decided it was time for another walk in the woods. I hoped another stroll would calm me and hopefully let me nap peacefully again.
No fucking dice.
I pushed off into the forest after school, crossed the small frozen creek and trudged uphill and into ankle deep snow. I queued up some Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio on my iPod and started my excursion following my footsteps from the week before. I traveled deeper into the trees than I'd intended, far deeper than I had gone last week. I hiked up rocky hills and carefully crossed icy streams by way of snow covered logs. I lost myself in the music, pressed forward in a half-conscious state of exploration while following animal tracks and traversing thick briers. It was a good trip, I haven't had a walk like it for a few years.
My music stopped suddenly though, a crackle of my headphones and a frozen screen. I cursed irritated with my shitty device and turned back towards the school, it was getting dark anyhow and I should really head back. There in my path though stood a man turned from me. His black suit split my sight pure in contrast to the snow around him, his body bent and shining against the frosted ground. I called out to him surprised by his proximity and concerned by his hunched stature.
He turned... no turned isn't right, twisted towards me, torso swiveling and leaving legs firmly planted in the silver snow. He... it stretched upwards from its previous pose, enormous , beyond human, it soared feet above me and smiled. How it smiled I don't know. It didn't have a face: no eyes or mouth, no nose or ears, this thing's head was purely blank. No contours or features and yet it smiled.
I tried to turn and run but something in its horrifying visage held me paralyzed. I moved away, scampering backwards all the while unable to take my eyes from its cold featureless flesh. In my frantic attempt away from the faceless monster my foot caught on a stray root and set me tumbling to the ground and disconnecting my gaze from that of the vile thing before me. I hurried back to my feet, turning immediately to avoid looking upon it for fear that I'd find myself petrified again. I ran back through the woods, back over frozen creeks and through twisted branches. I ran straight to the bus stop and chased down the bus that was leaving already. I ran so far away from that thing firmly planted in the woods with snow crusted around it's legs. There's no way it should have been able to follow.
But it did, I caught glimpses of it all the way back. It just appeared on the route on the edge of light. I saw it idly stand beneath lonely trees and in dimly lit lots. It followed me all the way home, made sure I saw it, made sure I could feel its nonexistent eyes. And you know, I hope I was right last night, I really hope that I'm going mad. I hope this thing doesn't exist, that it's a hallucination. Because if it's not... well it's still outside.
Previous/Next
Monday, February 21, 2011
Breathe...
Alright. Calm down. I just need to calm down.
I'm going crazy, going right fucking insane, there is no other explanation for this bullshit. This fucking sleep deprivation of mine is the only logical explanation. I'm stressed to hell and dealing with this damn irrational guilt about that fucking little girl and it's wracking my mind. It's making me see shit. It's a hallucination... it has to be... I mean things like that just don't exist. It's gotta be a hallucination. It wasn't real, none of that was real, just a brain failure. I'm perfectly safe in here. Locked up in my room barricaded to all hell. Perfectly safe. I'm just going crazy, I'm just exhausted. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. Honestly, it couldn't have been real.
Previous/Next
I'm going crazy, going right fucking insane, there is no other explanation for this bullshit. This fucking sleep deprivation of mine is the only logical explanation. I'm stressed to hell and dealing with this damn irrational guilt about that fucking little girl and it's wracking my mind. It's making me see shit. It's a hallucination... it has to be... I mean things like that just don't exist. It's gotta be a hallucination. It wasn't real, none of that was real, just a brain failure. I'm perfectly safe in here. Locked up in my room barricaded to all hell. Perfectly safe. I'm just going crazy, I'm just exhausted. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. Honestly, it couldn't have been real.
Previous/Next
It followed me. It followed me all the way home, all the way back from the school. IO ran, Jesus I ran , I ran the fuck out of thos woods. Ran for the bus and then from the bus all the way home. I ran so hard that I coollapsed on the fucking hardwod soon as I managed to get the frontdoor bolted. I ran into my room and locvked that up too. The door, the windows, I fucking barricaded everythig. I don't now how but it followed me all the way back. I know it did, I never sae it move but I can fucking feel it on me. its out there, I can see its' long fucking shadow stretching acreoss the neighbors lawn. It's just standing there right just beyond my visoin, I think that its waiting for somethin.
Previous/Next
Previous/Next
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Insomnia Vol. II
I've been told before that I get too wrapped up in books. Maybe it's true, or maybe the books I read are so true that they become infectious. Either way, I can't sleep again. I had been doing pretty well for a while, on a regular sleep schedule. But I finally was able to get back to reading House of Leaves. It's haunting - far more than that even. It digs into the soul and itches and irritates and undermines the psyche. And the stress of the episode with the cops and school and now renewed insomnia... I think I'm hearing and seeing things. Remember my story about the wobbling walls? Well try this out: small spots of black or grey resting in the far edge of my vision until I choose to look at them; the sound of footsteps on concrete when I am alone in a carpeted building; warped vision and hearing. I haven't lost any time - I'm not so sleep deprived as to pass out - yet. These things aren't constant. I don't know whether to be thankful for that or not. I think, sometimes, that if it were a constant barrage of insanity I might be able to deal with it, but the timing of these events are just irregular enough to keep me on constant edge, fraying my nerves over and over and over. I've decided I'm going to resume meditations and cleansings - practices I dropped long ago as no longer necessary - in the manner of Konstantinos (though my own take on them). They helped once before when I felt haunted by some shadow of my own or another's invention, haunted then not by endless hallways blanketed in eternal darkness, but by irrational paranoia. I fucking hope this works again. I need sleep, and not the sleep I manage to steal now and again currently, filled with dreams of dark basements and room after room after room, gray and silent with no escape, but calm and restful sleep. I think maybe I am portraying myself as something of a basket case here, but I assure you anyone in my present state would be given to some amount of rambling. I mean it about the meditations and cleansings though. If they don't work, I don't know what else to do after. And just so we're clear, this isn't some DIY mental health edition mumbo jumbo (although I imagine more than a few of you will call it mumbo jumbo regardless). I guess for a lack of better words, I'd name it dabbling in the occult. Don't worry now, I'm not sacrificing children or animals or anything else. It's far more than that. It's opening the mind in connection with the spirit - something which can have incredible results depending on what you're wanting to do. However, relying on spirituality has been a last resort it seems, in my life, and I've been content with that and satisfied with that. But I've noticed that problems tend to crop up more and more and in greater magnitudes when I drop the shield of faith. And don't misconstrue that word, faith, now. I mean only a belief in my ability to change and affect the world around me through applied thought and feeling. Perhaps it could be compared to art without form, but still holding all the impact of emotion and intent.
For those who are unaware of Konstatinos, look here: http://konstantinos.com/ab
Even if you don't agree with it all, I feel that, like any philosopher, he raises ideas and questions that anyone can benefit from considering.
Meanwhile back at the point (is there a point?)... Kal seems to have taken the news (or rather recent lack of it) about the girl rather hard. I think perhaps we are influencing each other in our own neuroses, encouraging an arms race in insanity. Fucking hell I'm tired. I'm going to lie down now. I hope I can keep my eyes closed long enough to miss the sunrise.
-Michenab
Previous/Next
For those who are unaware of Konstatinos, look here: http://konstantinos.com/ab
Even if you don't agree with it all, I feel that, like any philosopher, he raises ideas and questions that anyone can benefit from considering.
Meanwhile back at the point (is there a point?)... Kal seems to have taken the news (or rather recent lack of it) about the girl rather hard. I think perhaps we are influencing each other in our own neuroses, encouraging an arms race in insanity. Fucking hell I'm tired. I'm going to lie down now. I hope I can keep my eyes closed long enough to miss the sunrise.
-Michenab
Previous/Next
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)